The Nickhouse
by E350
Summary: Come inside and gaze upon the bizarre insanity that is the Nickhouse, an mad apartment building within an even more insane city. The manager's constantly absent, the residents are crazy and weirdness happens on a bi-weekly basis. Shipping may vary. Rated for safety. The Nickhouse is not responsible for any injury, distress or meta-activity this story may inflict.


Well, here it is. At long last, the first episode of the Nickhouse. Hopefully, the rest of the episodes come a bit quicker than this one did. Hopefully.

With thanks to Autobot-Outcast

* * *

**S1E1: Title Unknown**

_"Are we rolling? Are we rolling? Good, good, action."_

_The video opens to a distant view of the Cartoon City skyline, surrounded by fields and contrasted against a setting sun. It is very clearly faked. For some reason, the film is black and white and quite grainy._

_"Cartoon City – a modern American city!"_

_The video fades into the _real_ Cartoon City skyline, surrounded by lifeless suburbia and smokestacks belching brown smoke into the sky._

_"A vibrant metropolis – full of life and meaning!"_

_We fade to an assembly line, where many miserable workers aimlessly put machinery together. We pan to the side a little – Doug Dimmadome winks at the camera and gives a thumbs up._

_"A city of security, where the police are always friendly and eager to help!"_

_The video fades to a street. A police officer is bending a man over the back of his squad car, forcing handcuffs onto him._

_"But I didn't rob this place!" exclaims the man, "I'm the owner!"_

_"Tell it to the court," snaps the officer._

_"Uh, Officer Henrrys, sir, the...uh...there's a camera filming," an off-screen voice advises._

_The officer turns to look at the camera._

_"Oh for the love of Chr-"_

_The audio abruptly cuts off as we get a good view of the power plant._

_"A city powered by clean and renewable energy!"_

_One of the cooling towers makes a loud burping noise – waste begins to leak out of the top._

_We now fade to a view of City Hall._

_"Yes, this is truly a city of the twenty[first] century," the narrator continues, his voice clearly having been edited to bring the video up to date, "A marvel of American engineering."_

_The flag falls down._

_"And you could be part of this vision! Housing prices are almost criminally low, so get moving now! NOW! I SAID NOW! __**DO IT, YOU BLASTED COMMUNIST! DOOOO IIIIIITTTTTTTT!"**_

Major Simmonds turned off the projector.

"Well, that was odd," he said to himself.

* * *

NICKHOUSE: EPISODE ONE: TITLE UNKNOWN

Written by E350 and Autobot-Outcast

* * *

Some people have unfortunate names.

One of the founders of what is now Cartoon City was a brave man. He fought the British, and when the British had left the US he fought bears. He was a writer, a philosopher and also rather handsome. He was the sort of person you'd expect cities to be named for, but Justin P. Idiot did not have the name for it.

As a result, Justin P. Idiot was written out of history, and the only place that bears his name is a small backstreet in the Inner City District of Cartoon City, State Unknown.

Idiot Street was nothing too special. It connected the large Quimby Avenue to the Inner City Mall. There was a police station. There was a shuttered steel factory. There was an IRS annex. There was a military surplus store. And in the middle of it all, there was an apartment complex.

This was Number Three Idiot Street – better known as the Nickhouse.

The Nickhouse was a moderately large apartment building. It had a courtyard. It had a restaurant _in_ the courtyard, as little sense as that made. But for the most part, it was an unassuming brick-and-mortar five-story building. It seemed completely ordinary.

_Seemed_ being the key word.

On the second floor, in room 214, a sponge and a small boy were watching television. Outside Cartoon City, this sight would be quite irregular. Here, this sight was called Tuesday.

"_...and now we're going live to Brad Newsworthy with the development at the development site."_

"Boring," grunted Timmy Turner, changing the channel.

"Hey, I was watching that!" protested Spongebob.

"Yeah, but I have the remote," responded Timmy, "Next!"

"_DO NOT ADJUST YOUR TELEVISION SET!"_ the television shouted.

Timmy screeched and dropped the remote.

"_...because it's time for the alien hour!_" the television finished.

"Oh my gosh, I thought the TV had become sentient again," breathed Timmy, holding his chest.

On the television, a man with a terrible hairdo was sitting on a chair, talking to an unseen interviewer.

"_Recently there has been a spate of crop circles outside Cartoon City,_" the interviewer said, _"The police say it's a hoax, what do you think?"_

_"Aliens."_

_"Right,_" said the interviewer, _"And the missing cattle around Backridge, how do you explain that?"_

_"Aliens."_

_"And that's all we have time for. So, next week on Aliens Totally Did This, we discuss..."_

_"Aliens."_

_"Thank you."_

"This guy knows things," nodded Timmy.

_"And if you've sighted an alien, please report it to 02-5555-5565 and provide evidence of your discovery, and we will give you one hundred dollars! (Minus tax.) Call today!"_

"Heh," chuckled Timmy, "What kind of idiot goes alien hunting?"

There was a knock on the door.

"Rent due tomorrow!" someone shouted.

There was a long silence.

"...I know what we're doing tonight," said Timmy.

* * *

Major George Simmonds, head of security at the Nickhouse, was sitting at his desk.

Major Simmonds wore a khaki military officer's uniform with a short greatcoat and a rimmed helmet. He had mid-length black hair and a faded scar under his left cheek. He was generally a kind and patient soul – you had to be, lest you go mad here.

There was a knock on his door.

"Enter."

David, the Deputy Manager, walked into the room. He was wearing a wearing a black suit with a waistcoat, a white shirt and a red tie. He had long brown hair with ponytail, and looked a little stern.

"This about the rent?" asked Simmonds.

"Security concerns, actually," replied David, "Our night staff isn't enough."

"It's good enough," shrugged Simmonds.

"Two guys does not constitute a good night watch," grunted David.

"Well, I can't hire anyone," replied Simmonds, "Not unless the Manager allocates some funds when he gets back from...where is it?"

"Tahiti, at last check," replied David, "It's a magical place."

"Of course it is," sighed Simmonds, "Look, nothing's gone wrong with this place yet..."

"The Land Shark Incident?"

"...apart from that, I mean..."

"The Escaped Hyenas?"

"...that was _one_ time..."

"The Radioactive Combine Harvester?"

"Okay, nothing _major!_" grunted the Major, "I think we can go one more night without anything going belly up, alright?"

"Tempting fate," said David.

"Don't you have an assistant to be pessimistic to?" muttered Simmonds.

"Godwin's busy doing the rent rounds."

"_Right_."

At that moment, there was a knock at the door.

"It's open," said Simmonds.

The door opened.

Officer James Henrrys, head of the Inner City Precinct of the Cartoon City Police Department, walked into the room. His partner, Deputy Harrison, followed.

"Oh, for the love of..."

James Henrrys was a dour-looking man with dark brown hair. He wore a blue jacket over his standard CCPD blue uniform and tie, with a black Sam Browne belt. While technically a precinct head and therefore a Lieutenant, the CCPD's chronic underfunding forced him to double as a beat cop, hence the rank. He was not a fan of the Nickhouse and its staff – not a fan at all.

"Weird energy surges in the nature reserve out back," snapped Henrrys, "Explain."

"For once, not us," grunted David, "You're actually going to have to do your job this time."

Henrrys glared at him.

"So let me get this straight," he growled, "Energy spikes on and around your property – and you're not involved. At all."

"Nope," nodded Simmonds, "And if we _were_, it wouldn't be visible to a half-rate cop with too much time on his hands, I assure you."

He paused.

"Or Harrison, either."

He gestured towards the Deputy, who waved back.

Henrrys' face turned a little bit red.

"So that's how we're gonna play it, is it?" he snapped, "Well, I'm going to take a look, right now, whether you want us to or..."

"Sir, we don't have a warrant," Harrison pointed out, unhelpfully.

Henrrys facepalmed.

"Alright, we're going to go to the commissioner's office and get a warrant," he sighed, "_Then_ we're going to take a look whether you want us to or not!"

He stormed out of the office.

"Well, guess I'll have to cancel poker tonight, then," shrugged Harrison.

"Harrison!" Henrrys shouted, "Come on!"

Harrison sighed and followed his commander out of the room.

Simmonds turned to David.

"Poker night?" he asked, "Why wasn't I invited?"

"Because you cheat," replied David.

* * *

"Alright, men, form up!" barked Timmy.

"...and women," interrupted Wanda.

"...fine. Alright men and women, form up!"

Timmy had gathered Spongebob, Cosmo, Wanda, Jimmy and Danny out in the courtyard. He had lined them up single file, like soldiers, and was pacing in front of them. Above them, the sun was slowly setting.

"We are going alien hunting," he snapped, "And do you know why?"

"Because you forgot to save up for your rent again?" replied Danny.

"Ye- _NO!"_ shouted Timmy, "Because I'm suddenly interested in alien life! Nothing to with the rent!"

"_Riiiiight._"

"Here's the plan," Timmy continued, "Cosmo is going to take a camera. We're going to the Hill Reserve to look for anything that looks weird so we can send it in to the crazy alien guys and get a hundred bucks. Any questions?"

Everyone raised their hand.

"Too bad!" said Timmy, "Let's go!"

He began to lead the group away from the courtyard, unaware that they were being watched.

"Oh no," Dib snarled, holding a camera, "They're not beating _me_ to any aliens..."

* * *

Night came.

Up on the hill, in the dark forest of the reserve, Henrrys and Harrison were wandering about in the darkness. Henrrys was holding a geiger counter.

"Are you sure that's going to work?" asked Harrison, who was holding a torch, "I mean, the energy isn't radioactive, is it?"

"It's an energy detector, Harrison," snapped Henrrys, "CCPD issue. Goes beep when there's stuff. One hundred percent functional."

"CCPD issue – one hundred percent functional," repeated Harrison, "Sounds like an oxymoron, sir."

"Just shut up and point the torch," grunted Henrrys.

At that moment, Henrrys stepped on a small button, buried under the grass and roots. He didn't notice this, and they carried on.

The button unleashed a small pulse of energy (which, naturally, Henrrys' CCPD-issue device did not pick up) which snaked down a subterranean pipe, down under the hill until it reached an underground generator, which suddenly sparked into life.

_"Industrial-level civilization detected. Activating mission. Vessel search now in progress."_

* * *

There was a knock at the door.

Danielle groaned and rolled out of bed, shuffling over to the door. She opened it just a crack.

"I don't want any," she mumbled.

Dib was standing at the door.

"Hi Dani I'm making an alien hunting team wanna co-"

Dani closed the door.

"Okay see ya," Dib called.

Dani rolled her eyes. At that moment, the phone rang.

"Oh, for the love of..." she groaned.

She picked up the phone.

"Dib, I said-"

_"Vessel acquired."_

If Dib had turned around as he walked away from Dani's room, he would have noticed a flash of light.

* * *

The forest was dark.

The alien hunting party trudged through the trees, Cosmo holding a cheap camcorder and a bluish torch.

"This isn't gonna end up like that one movie, is it?" shivered Spongebob, glancing nervously around.

"What movie?" asked Jimmy.

"You know, with the Blair and the witch and the project and the..."

"That wasn't a _movie_, that was a _documentary_," insisted Timmy.

"No it wasn't!" snapped Jimmy.

"Yeah it was!" said Timmy, "Where do you think they found the footage from?"

"...they _filmed it_," replied Jimmy, "With a _camera_. And a _script._"

"No way, Hollywood wouldn't lie to me."

"Guys, I'd hate to interrupt," grunted Danny, "But we've basically found nothing."

"We've only been outside for..." Timmy began.

He glanced at his watch.

"...eleven pm? Wow, we have been out a while," he realised.

He scratched his chin.

"Alright, new plan," he said, "_Maybe_ we can pass Spongebob off as an alien..."

_WWWRRRROOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!_

A horn-like sound wafted through the cold night air.

"...what was that?" asked Cosmo, nervously.

"Sounded like a foghorn," mused Danny.

"Or maybe it's something else," said Timmy, scratching his chin.

"Timmy..." Wanda said, "You're not suggesting..."

"No, I'm not saying it's aliens," replied Timmy.

There was a pause.

"...but it's aliens!" he exclaimed, "Follow that sound, guys!"

He ran off into the trees, the group hesitantly following him.

* * *

The door knocked.

Squidward walked over to the door and opened it.

"Squidward! Quick! Humanity needs-"

He promptly shut it again in Dib's face.

"Not tonight, Squiddy," he grunted to himself.

At that moment, the telephone rang...

* * *

Henrrys' looked up at the dark branches above.

"Harrison!" he exclaimed, "I heard something! Torch!"

Harrison passed the torch.

"Alright, scumbag!" he shouted, "Game's up! Get down from the tree, you are under arrest..."

He shone the torch at the tree.

"...it's a possum."

Harrison looked up at the small creature in the branches.

"Actually, sir, that's a squirrel."

"Shut up, Harrison," snapped Henrrys.

_WWWRRRROOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!_

Henrrys and Harrison jumped at the sound.

"Foghorn?" quizzed Harrison.

"Criminals," snarled Henrrys, narrowing his eyes, "Come on!"

The two cops raced off into the darkness.

* * *

Despite his madness, Dib had actually managed to get someone to follow him. Specifically, Arnold had taken pity on him, Chester had been bribed to come along, and Jazz thought the poor mad kid would make an interesting psychological profile.

"Quick, guys," Dib was ordering, "We need to find these aliens before Timmy does. My paranormal investigator cred is at stake!"

"Well," Chester sighed to himself, "Now we know – I really _will_ do anything for a hundred bucks."

_WWWRRRROOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!_

Dib perked up, like a wolf that had just smelt blood.

"Aliens," he whispered, "The aliens are here! Quick, run!"

He raced into the darkness, babbling incoherently. His companions sighed, and followed after him.

* * *

"Come on, Timmy," grunted Danny, "Can we stop? It's probably just a..."

The group emerged from the growth. Danny trailed off.

A hole had opened up on the side of the hill. Mist emerged from within, and it glowed blue.

"...a blue hole in the ground," finished Danny, "Well, there you go. I owe you a coke. Now take the picture and get outta here."

"Cosmo," ordered Timmy, "Hand me the worst camera ever."

Cosmo handed Timmy the camera. He put the viewfinder up to his eye and pressed the button.

"There we go!" exclaimed Timmy, "Now, let's go..."

Suddenly, Danny tugged him back into the bushes.

"Shh!" he exclaimed, "Watch!"

He pointed to the trees on the other side of the hole.

Squidward was walking out of the greenery, heading for the hole. He glanced down, shook his head in what seemed like irritation, and jumped in.

"...okay then, that was weird," nodded Timmy, "But who cares, let's go home!"

"Oh no you don't," snapped Danny, "That looked kinda suspicious. We're going after him."

"Do I get a choice in this?" asked Timmy.

"No," said Danny.

"No," said Jimmy.

"No," said Spongebob.

"No," said Wanda.

"Yes," said Cosmo.

"Fine," grunted Timmy, "Come on."

* * *

Dib did not so much encounter the hole as he did tumble down it.

As he lay at the bottom, wiping mud and branches from his eyes, he questioned the wisdom of running wildly in the dark. Maybe then he would have noticed this evil alien hole.

He climbed to his feet as Jazz, Arnold and Chester clambered down after him.

"Well, that went fairly well," nodded Dib, trying to pretend his tumble had never happened, "So, anyone guess what kind of alien or monster made this hole?"

"Rabbits?" quizzed Arnold.

"Cavemen?" quizzed Jazz.

"Unions?" quizzed Chester.

"None of those are aliens," grumbled Dib.

"No, but Unions might be monsters," shrugged Chester.

"No they aren't," snapped Arnold.

"TV says they are," replied Chester.

Suddenly, a rustling sound could be heard above.

"Listen," whispered Dib, "It's an alien, scurrying out above us. A massively advanced lifeform...what's it saying?"

"..._Harrisooooooooooo__**ooooooooooon!**_"

A police officer landed face first in front of them.

"Wow," said Chester, "It's a space cop."

Officer Henrrys looked up.

"Alien kid?" he muttered, "What the heck are you..."

He was shut up as Harrison landed on top of him.

"Well, Henrrys will be happy," he muttered to himself, "At least the bottom of the hole is soft..."

"Get. _Off._"

Harrison jumped and got off of his commander's back.

"Hello officers," nodded Dib, "We're looking for aliens. Wanna help?"

"No," grunted Henrrys, "I wanna find something incriminating, go home and dock Harrison's pay. So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna climb back up again..."

Suddenly, they were bathed in blue light.

"...aaand now we're closely encountering the Third Kind," finished Henrrys.

The group watched as a figure materialised in front of them, as if they were a hologram being activated. The figure's back was turned – clearly they hadn't seen them. They had a chance of going unnoticed – if they were quiet, they could slip away.

Dib would have none of it.

"_ZIIIIIIIIIM!"_

Dib leapt to his feet, pointing dramatically.

Zim turned around. The group did a collective double-take.

The alien was not in his human camouflage. His normally pink eyes were glowing blue, as was his outline for no discernable reason.

"Oh my gosh..." breathed Jazz.

"See? See?" exclaimed Dib, "I was right! I was right, I tell you..."

"...he's possessed by aliens!" said Harrison.

"Yes! Ye-NO! **NO! **He's-he's-how can you not-**AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!**" screamed Dib.

"Do not follow me, humans," Zim said in monotone.

With that, he turned and walked down the cave, leaving Dib having a nervous breakdown on the floor.

"Well, what's that look like to you, sir?" asked Harrison.

"Nickhouse is breaking the law," replied Henrrys, "They're housing..._illegal aliens._"

There was a brief silence.

"Sir, I don't think the law's definition of 'illegal alien' quite fits..."

"Shut up Harrison."

* * *

Timmy and his motley band of alien hunters crept down the cave. As they did so, they began to notice wires running along the walls.

"_Fascinating_," nodded Jimmy, "We're walking into a subterranean alien craft. Think of all the deliberate effort required to bury this thing..."

"...or maybe they just crashed," suggested Danny.

"Don't be ridiculous!" snapped Jimmy, "Aliens this advanced don't _crash!_"

"Guys!"

The two stopped. The rest of the party had stopped a short way behind, and were peering through a small hole in the wall.

"I think we found the cockpit!" said Timmy.

"_Bridge_," corrected Jimmy.

"_You're_ a bridge," grumbled Timmy.

Jimmy and Danny doubled back, gazing through the hole.

The bridge wasn't very large. It was somewhat spartan – a large control console in the middle, ringed by computers hugging the walls. There was a door on the other side of the room. Squidward was standing in front of the main console, speaking to nobody in particular.

"This is Captain Alpha, 33.3rd Squadron, Data Confederacy," he reported, "We are reactivating our vessel after a dormant period of 8377 years. Contrary to what my second in command will likely report, we did not crash on this world, we carried out a soft landing in order to make repairs."

"Soft landing?" whispered Spongebob.

"It means he crashed," whispered Danny, "But, you know, _gently_."

Jimmy buried his head in his hands.

"As ten thousand years is a rather long time, we are understandably surprised at the sudden emergence of a class-5 civilisation on a planet we had originally thought to be uninhabited," continued Squidward – or rather, Captain Alpha, "It is my understanding, however, that the civilisation is pre-industrial _at best!_ We shall report again when we dust off."

He pressed a button.

"You lying scumbag."

The door opened. Dani entered the room.

"Dani?" whispered Danny.

"Yeah, we noticed," grunted Timmy.

"Lieutenant Sigma," nodded Alpha.

"This is _not_ a pre-industrial world," snapped Dani, currently known as Sigma, "You're trying to cover for your own incompetence!"

"What incompetence?" demanded Alpha.

Sigma rolled her borrowed eyes.

"Play recording," she muttered.

A voice played out over the speakers.

"_I am 100% sure that the third planet in this system is uninhabited."_

"And next."

"_We are going in for close study of the largest planet of this system."_

"And next."

"_OH NO IT'S A HAZARDOUS GAS PLANET HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN?!"_

"And..."

"Alright, _alright!" _snapped Alpha, "So I made _some_ poor decisions. Command doesn't have to know that."

"Sigma!"

Zim marched into the room.

"You _dare _question Captain Alpha's orders?" he spluttered, sounding not at all different from the regular, unpossessed Zim.

"Yes I do, Mr. Omega," snapped Sigma, "Along with his competence and sanity."

"That's a little harsh," muttered Alpha.

"I am requesting orders, captain!" shouted Omega, "What do we do with the humans?"

"That is a complication," admitted Alpha, "Were anyone to follow our course, they'd find this civilisation..."

"...and work out you lied about it," finished Sigma.

"Never mind, I have an idea," shrugged Alpha, "Once we're in the air, we'll fire off the defensive lasers into the planet's moon, knock it out of orbit. By the time anyone comes back, this world would be long dead."

"That's against regulations, Alpha!" snapped Sigma, "Article Six: Under no circumstances may an officer of the Data Confederation wilfully attempt to engage in warfare or violent conduct against an uncontacted species..."

"...oh please, nobody cares for these simians!" sneered Alpha, "We'll just kill them, skip the system, give these forms to some scientists and live off the back pay! It'll be easy!"

"It'll also be _immoral_ and _idiotic_ and _easily traceable!_" shouted Sigma, "I won't play a part in this!"

"You have no choice if you want to go home," snapped Alpha, "Captain's orders!"

"And...and crewman's orders as well!" Omega backed up.

"Negative, I refuse! Maroon me if you have to..."

"...so," hissed Danny, "I take it we _don't_ want these guys to take off."

"Not as such, no," agreed Wanda.

"Right," said Timmy, "Well, big darn heroes time, guys. Let's get going."

The group continued down the cave.

* * *

Dib's group had reached a door.

"Well," said Chester, looking over the door, "It's a door. That's...that's something I guess."

"Alright, fellow alien hunters!" snapped Dib, "We have work to do! This is first contact, the most important day of our lives. Anyone who doesn't want to make this step and have their lives _irreparably changed_, to face _certain danger_ and _death_, turn now before..."

"Hey, where'd Chester go?" asked Arnold.

Chester was gone, although the footprints leading away from the door gave clue as to where he had gone.

"...maybe I shouldn't have mentioned certain death," mused Dib.

"I don't care about first contact," sneered Henrrys, "I care about the law! About justice! About getting one over the Major! Mr. Membrane! Open this door!"

Dib nodded and pressed a big red button that said 'open'.

The door flew open. Henrrys drew his revolver and walked dramatically into the room.

"CCPD! You're under arrest!"

Sigma turned to Alpha.

"Well, would you look at that _pre-industrial_ firearm?" she snapped.

"Dani?" quizzed Jazz.

"No, Lieutenant Sigma, Data Confederation," replied Sigma, "These idiots are Captain Alpha and Crewman Omega."

"Why are you using NATO alphabet?" asked Arnold.

"...we dunno," replied Alpha, "What's NATO?"

Suddenly, the door opened again. Timmy, Danny, Jimmy and Spongebob burst into the room.

"The gig is up, alien-oh hey Dib, what're you doing here?" asked Timmy.

"Alien hunting," replied Dib.

"Hey, small world."

"Nine on three," snapped Danny, "You're done."

"_Ten_ on _two_, actually," corrected Sigma, walking over to the human group.

"Yes," sneered Alpha, "But its _humans_ against two _very_ advanced alien life forms. So You can gloat all you want, but you're not going to take us in, because we're..."

* * *

"...how did this happen?"

Alpha and Omega were being dragged in handcuffs back towards Nickhouse by Harrison and Arnold as the group discussed what to do with them.

"Reasons, captain," replied Harrison, "That explanation generally works for me."

* * *

The sun was peaking over the horizon as Major Simmonds finished pouring himself his coffee. It was very early – the Major wasn't wearing his jacket, and his eyes were dark rimmed.

His coffee prepared, Simmonds walked down the hall to his office and opened the door.

"Major Simmonds Major Simmonds we need to talk..."

"...Henrrys has gone to see your management he's not happy..."

"...aliens **ALIENS I TELL YOU**..."

"...toast!"

Simmonds blinked.

"Alright," he murmured, "Let me finish my coffee and meet me in the break room. No madness before 6am, okay?"

"Okay," everyone replied.

"Good, see you then."

He walked away, drinking wearily from his mug.

* * *

Henrrys, meanwhile, had gone straight to the deputy manager's office on the top floor.

"Illegal aliens!" he shouted, "You're housing illegal aliens! Space aliens!"

"Are we really?" replied David.

"There is a UFO under your land!" snapped Henrrys, "It contained aliens. Aliens with no passports and no visas! Explain!"

"We didn't put it there," replied David.

"You di-_it's your property!_" shouted Henrrys, "_You own it! It's your responsibility!_"

"As I understand it, the craft has been the responsibility of the landowners for the past eight thousand years," said David bluntly, "Show me where it was disclosed when we bought the land, show me a residency contract for the aliens, or get out of my office."

Henrrys stared, his jaw agape.

"I-I-I-_all night!_" he thundered, "I was out _all night! AAAAAARRRGH!_"

He stormed out, fists clenched.

"I was going to offer him coffee," said David to no-one in particular.

He took a drink from his own mug and straightened his hastily-applied suit.

"Shame."

Contrary to appearances, the deputy manager was _not_ a morning person.

* * *

"...so you planned to cover for yourself by destroying our planet," finished Simmonds, passing Alpha a very unimpressed glare.

"It wasn't being used by anybody!" protested Alpha.

Simmonds' look went from merely unimpressed to a death glare.

"You're a wonderful person, captain," he snarked, "And it _pains_ me to tell you that once we get you out of Squidward's head, we are going to find a way to imprison you."

"You can't do that!" spluttered Alpha, "I'm an AI! A stream of incorporeal data occupying an organic host, you twit!"

"That's alright," shrugged Simmonds, "We'll just stick you in the recycle bin of my computer or something."

"Or on the police database," suggested Harrison, "Nobody uses it much anyway."

"Yeah, we'll work something out," nodded Simmonds.

The door to the break room opened. Jimmy walked in, carrying a helmet.

"There we go," he said, "One Neutronic Brain Occupant Remover!"

"Did you just have that lying around?" asked Timmy.

"Yes, yes I did, why?"

"No reason," grunted Timmy.

"Great," nodded Simmonds, "Take Messers Tentacles and Zim to your lab and make 'em human again."

"Zim's not human," snapped Dib.

"What're you talking about, of course he is," replied Spongebob.

Dib made a strangled noise of frustration and buried his head in his hands.

On the other side of the room, Danny and Jazz were talking to Sigma.

"So, what're you gonna do now?" asked Danny.

"I intend to head back to the Home Servers and report what happened," replied Sigma, "Hopefully, we can establish an emissary on planet Earth."

"You won't need Dani's body for this, right?" asked Jazz.

"Nope," replied Sigma, "Your Major asked around and said he got a volunteer vessel for the voyage. You two know a 'Veronica?'"

"...no," replied Danny, unconvincingly.

"Alright then," Sigma nodded, "We'll meet again when I return your meat pupp-I mean fellow human. So, Bon Weidersein!"

"...yeah, uh...bye," nodded Jazz.

The two watched Sigma leave.

"This was a weird night," nodded Danny.

"Which makes it a normal night, really," said Jazz.

"In our lives? Yeah, can't argue with that."

* * *

The next day, Timmy and Spongebob were watching _Aliens Totally Did This_ again.

"This is gonna rock," he grinned, "Proof of alien life, taken by me! And it also paid my rent!"

"Shh, it's on!" hissed Spongebob.

"_Our latest contributor, Tiffany Turner..._"

"Eh, close enough," shrugged Timmy.

"_...has sent in new visual proof of alien life. Viewers, we invite you to gaze upon this image._"

A very blurry image of Spongebob walking out of the bathroom in his underwear appeared on screen.

"Wut," said Timmy.

"_Earth life – or alien? Our expert had this to say."_

On the television, a man with a terrible hairdo was sitting on a chair, talking to an unseen interviewer.

_"Aliens."_

"Well," nodded Timmy, "We've just convinced all the conspiracy theorists that you're an alien."

He blinked.

"I know how we're paying our rent from now on!"

**END**

* * *

So, our first episode contained aliens. Many aliens, some real, some fake. Also, bad jokes. Best foot forward, people. =P

Anyway, please feel free to tell me what I need to improve on!


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